"What are you proving?" My husband asked recently. "That you're good at being sick? Well, way to go. What an accomplishment." He was challenging my anorexia, forcing me to view it from the outside. He was harsh, but he was honest.
Flash back twenty years. My eating disorder developed as a result of sexual abuse, chaos, insecurity, and pain. It sprouted when I was very young and presented itself as a cure for everything that hurt. It worked. So I kept doing it. Much like the drink that makes the introvert a social butterfly, or the hit that makes the addict forget the anguish, losing weight imprinted on my brain as the cure to what ailed me. I was young. I was scared and confused and lonely. I took the bait and held onto it. Nothing felt so good as those first pounds lost. I was numb. It was blissful. I was hooked.
Flash forward. I reread the Biblical story of Samson and Delilah a couple days ago. If you're unfamiliar, here's a recap: Samson was a super strong dude. He fell in love with Delilah, who was a double agent. She was sent to figure out Samson's weakness so his enemies could take him out. He was suspicious, so he fed her a fake line about tying him with strings to make him weak, and she told her bosses and they did it. But it was a ruse and Samson prevailed. So Delilah went back and had another go at it. Samson said if he were tied with fresh ropes, it would really work. The enemy attacked and Samson again prevailed. Amazingly, the whole cycle repeated for a third time, with the same result. At this point I thought, "Really Samson? What sort of colossal idiot are you?" Finally he told Delilah the truth - despite obviously knowing she had it out for his destruction - and he perished. I was pissed. I put down my Bible, looked at my husband, and said, "Samson asked for it, the moron. What the hell was he thinking?" Then it hit me.
I am Samson. I invited anorexia into my life. Despite two decades of broken promises and countless sacrifices and dances with death itself, I kept going back. My ability to disregard the threat of my disease allowed immeasurable damage to every area of my life. I am Samson. My eating disorder is my Delilah.
I am struggling right now. Life got stressful, as it always does; and as I always do, I retreated to anorexia for comfort and protection. "If I just lose a little weight, if I just get a little thinner, everything will be okay." No matter that the result of my relapses are never, ever good. I was still chasing that high, believing that lie.
Back to my husband's point. Is being sick the only legacy I want to leave in this world? Do I want my children to remember me as thin but scared and on edge and irritable and unpredictable? Do I want my friends to remember me with pity? NO FUCKING WAY. I want to leave this world - many decades from now - after showing my love for humanity. After getting my hands dirty to fight for the oppressed. After cradling and spoiling and cheering on my grandchildren. After traveling the world to do good and spread kindness. I can't do any of those things if I'm sick. I won't have the chance. And if I do survive to live out my future, it won't matter if I'm 100 lbs. or 250 lbs., as long as I'm driven by the passion that burns in my heart.
So no. I don't want to prove that I'm good at being sick. I've already done that, and the universe isn't impressed. I want to prove that I faced down my most insidious, cruel, terrorizing adversary because there is more to this life than the security blankets we pull over our heads when things get tough. I don't want to kill my body to save my soul. My soul has already been saved. Now it's time to pick up my crown and blaze a trail my children can be proud of. It's time to give up the lie that what's killing me will save me in the end. It's time to do hard things and be brave and give to the world what my God put inside me.
This post is meant to be shared with anyone and everyone who may be struggling with eating disorders, addictions, or anything else pulling them away from their purpose. We don't have to do this anymore. We can change direction no matter how far we've strayed or how deep we've fallen or how blind we've become. Spread the word. We're rising to take our place at the table.
_____
Another flashback: When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with Tori Amos, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, and Anne Sexton. I had a poster of Ophelia's drowning scene from Hamlet. Melodramatic? Maybe. Real? Absolutely. My anthem at the time was Tori Amos's song "Crucify." Its lyrics spoke to the very core of my struggle. Once I hit adulthood I couldn't listen to the song anymore. It reminded me too much of the gritty, ugly, bloody life I wanted to leave behind. Tonight the song popped up on Pandora, and I let it play out. "Why do we crucify ourselves, every day?" The words hit in a whole new way. Here's the song.
"Every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion
Please be
Save me
I cry
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains"
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Needless/Wantless
All living things have needs. (Primarily food, the irony of which will be addressed shortly.) It doesn't matter if you're a houseplant, a toucan, or a chemical engineer, you require certain things to live and thrive. This isn't just a human thing, it's a universal one.
I happen to hate having needs. At some point in my formative years I learned to equate need with weakness. Weakness was unacceptable to me, therefore my needs were unacceptable. My child-self didn't understand the universality of need. She just saw a sucking void of childishness, selfishness, and dependence. Stop needing, she told herself. So she did.
Little did she know that some of those critical needs are community, compassion, and support, and those are not weak, they're wonderful. Look at any sitcom on television since the dawn of technology. Characters and their friends. Lucy had Ethel. DJ had Kimmy. Rachel had Monica and the gang. Even Walter White had Jesse, dysfunctional as their relationship was. People need people. We need another presence to acknowledge our existence, our joy, our pain. The needless me refuted this as utter nonsense. She still does on most days.
I want to do it all on my own. I want to take care of business. I want to be an Independent Woman, damnit, who can make it after all. Mary Tyler Moore with tattoos. ("But Mary had Rhoda!" Shut it.) But here's the thing. I can't.
I can't do life on my own. It pains me to admit it. It pokes at the very core of my identity - a lone survivor, a self-made girl, a paragon of Teflon and grit. But admit it I must. Remember those basic needs, like food? Yeah, I can't really do that. I don't know how to feed myself. Twenty years of anorexia have obliterated my ability to meet my most basic biological demands. And emotions! PLEASE! What are those?
I've finally reached a point where it's abundantly clear - even to me - that I need my TRIBE. I need people. Being needless may seem cool in a James Dean, The Outsiders, aviator-glasses-and-unfiltered-cigarette way, but it's not sustainable. All those sitcoms touched people because they reflected the value of community. Of togetherness. I need that. I need to look in someone's eyes and say, "I'm a disaster today," and have that person say, "Girl, you're a disaster every day, but I love you anyway and I'm right here beside you."
I need. You need. We need each other. If you've ever been ashamed of your needs, please know that you're not alone. If you're lonely, please know that there are people like me all over the planet praying for you and sending you love. If you're struggling, like me, to figure out how to eat, you need only reach out your hand. Someone will take it. If you're grappling with something else - perfectionism, addiction, despair, whatever - please know that you're just like that houseplant and that toucan and that chemical engineer. You're ALIVE. And there is love out there just waiting to wrap you up and bring you home.
I happen to hate having needs. At some point in my formative years I learned to equate need with weakness. Weakness was unacceptable to me, therefore my needs were unacceptable. My child-self didn't understand the universality of need. She just saw a sucking void of childishness, selfishness, and dependence. Stop needing, she told herself. So she did.
Little did she know that some of those critical needs are community, compassion, and support, and those are not weak, they're wonderful. Look at any sitcom on television since the dawn of technology. Characters and their friends. Lucy had Ethel. DJ had Kimmy. Rachel had Monica and the gang. Even Walter White had Jesse, dysfunctional as their relationship was. People need people. We need another presence to acknowledge our existence, our joy, our pain. The needless me refuted this as utter nonsense. She still does on most days.
I want to do it all on my own. I want to take care of business. I want to be an Independent Woman, damnit, who can make it after all. Mary Tyler Moore with tattoos. ("But Mary had Rhoda!" Shut it.) But here's the thing. I can't.
I can't do life on my own. It pains me to admit it. It pokes at the very core of my identity - a lone survivor, a self-made girl, a paragon of Teflon and grit. But admit it I must. Remember those basic needs, like food? Yeah, I can't really do that. I don't know how to feed myself. Twenty years of anorexia have obliterated my ability to meet my most basic biological demands. And emotions! PLEASE! What are those?
I've finally reached a point where it's abundantly clear - even to me - that I need my TRIBE. I need people. Being needless may seem cool in a James Dean, The Outsiders, aviator-glasses-and-unfiltered-cigarette way, but it's not sustainable. All those sitcoms touched people because they reflected the value of community. Of togetherness. I need that. I need to look in someone's eyes and say, "I'm a disaster today," and have that person say, "Girl, you're a disaster every day, but I love you anyway and I'm right here beside you."
I need. You need. We need each other. If you've ever been ashamed of your needs, please know that you're not alone. If you're lonely, please know that there are people like me all over the planet praying for you and sending you love. If you're struggling, like me, to figure out how to eat, you need only reach out your hand. Someone will take it. If you're grappling with something else - perfectionism, addiction, despair, whatever - please know that you're just like that houseplant and that toucan and that chemical engineer. You're ALIVE. And there is love out there just waiting to wrap you up and bring you home.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Locker Room Talk (or, This is Bullsh*t)
This isn't a political rant, I promise.
I have a hate/fear relationship with Home Depot. I hate it because it's filled with things I know nothing about, and there are few things that irk me more than ignorance. I'm afraid of it because its sheer magnitude and volume trigger my anxiety and leave me overwhelmed and overstimulated. It's all too much. But being a suburban wife and mom, I inevitably find myself wandering this vast expanse of hardware and things-I-didn't-know-were-a-thing on occasion. (People buy 3/4" copper pipe? WHY?!) I took a trip there today to buy paint and area rugs, but my dear husband tagged along. He showed me right to the carpet department, and suggested I squeeze between the hanging displays of soft pile. Instant relief. I nestled in, Temple Grandin-style, and felt at ease between the squishy fibers. I can do this, I thought. This is okay.
Later on, I had to run to work to make some copies for tomorrow's school day. Husband called and asked if I would return to the Depot for a forgotten item. No problem, I thought. I could visit my rugs. I parked, went to the necessary department, conducted my business, and left. As I was walking to my swagger wagon, I noticed a car parked next to mine on the driver's side. There were people in it. I got a little uneasy.
As I got closer, it became clear that the occupants of the car were consuming some sort of presumably-illicit substance. They didn't look like altar boys, I can say that much. I briefly considered turning around and grabbing a fresh-faced Home Depot soldier to accompany me out, but I immediately dismissed the idea. My bags were heavy and my chicken-wing arms were protesting, and besides, I'm not a baby. So I walked to my door and fumbled with my keys. The guys in the car got quiet, and my nerves ramped up. I couldn't figure out which damn key unlocked my damn door because they kept looking at me.
One guy whistled. I looked around and saw no one - NO ONE - in the vicinity who could help. (How could this be, when the population of a small town was milling about inside?!) I finally grabbed my key fob when the other one leaned out the window and said, "Hey there, fine piece of ass. We've been checking you out. Why don't you hop in and we'll take you for a ride?"
He was a foot away from me. In that instant I thought, "There are two of them and one of me. There's no one around. I couldn't overpower the Snuggle teddy bear, much less two grown men. I'd fit through their window if they pulled hard enough. Should I scream? Why did I wear my yoga clothes to the store?" In that instant I thought about the time in senior year when I went to the bathroom during math and was pushed against the wall by a boy who thought it okay to shove his hand all the way up my skirt. In that instant I thought about the time I was held to a bed, knife against my neck, by a boy I thought loved me who told me no one would believe me so I should keep my mouth shut and do what he said. In that instant I thought about the time a big boy I trusted told me the boogey man would get me if I didn't give him the pleasure he demanded.
Nothing happened. I got in my car, peeled out of the parking lot, and stumbled back into my home completely unscathed. Well, maybe not completely. Because here's the thing. Sometimes lewd words made by men to women truly are harmless. (Would these junkies have hurt me if they'd had the chance? Maybe so, maybe not.) But even if those words harbor no ill-intent, they still have tremendous power to intimidate, terrify, and traumatize. Women get hurt by men at alarming rates. Think I'm alone in my experiences? According to the Rape and Incest National Network, an American is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds. SECONDS. Additionally, one out of every six women has been the victim of a completed or attempted rape in her lifetime. I'm certainly not alone, though I wish I were.
This notion that "boys will be boys," or that guys just don't know any better, is utter and complete bullshit. When I came home today and told Husband what happened, he was mortified. His first question was, "Did you get their license plate number?" To which I replied, "I was fucking terrified, so no, I didn't." "Oh," he said, "God. Maybe you should carry a gun." He's a good man who has never so much as raised an eyebrow to me much less his voice or his hand. He doesn't take kindly to people who pick on women.
But I don't want to carry a gun, and I don't want to blame myself for wearing yoga clothes to Home Depot. I don't want to blame 17-year old me for going to the bathroom during class and exposing myself to dirtbags trolling the halls for victims. I don't want to blame 13-year old me for trusting my dearest, best friend who turned out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. I don't want to blame the 5-year old me for... being a little girl, the most vulnerable human on the planet.
We women deserve to walk the earth feeling safe, secure, and confident. We do NOT deserve to believe our bodies exist only for the entertainment and exploitation of men. It's bullshit and I won't stand for it. I have a daughter and I have sons and I have an inner child who's been begging me to speak up for decades. NO MORE. WE CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT TAKE THIS ANY LONGER. If you have a story, please share it. If you are a women, please speak out. If you are a good man - and most of you are! - please don't dismiss the toxic waste that comes out of other men's mouths. Together we can change. Together we can fix this. NO MORE.
I have a hate/fear relationship with Home Depot. I hate it because it's filled with things I know nothing about, and there are few things that irk me more than ignorance. I'm afraid of it because its sheer magnitude and volume trigger my anxiety and leave me overwhelmed and overstimulated. It's all too much. But being a suburban wife and mom, I inevitably find myself wandering this vast expanse of hardware and things-I-didn't-know-were-a-thing on occasion. (People buy 3/4" copper pipe? WHY?!) I took a trip there today to buy paint and area rugs, but my dear husband tagged along. He showed me right to the carpet department, and suggested I squeeze between the hanging displays of soft pile. Instant relief. I nestled in, Temple Grandin-style, and felt at ease between the squishy fibers. I can do this, I thought. This is okay.
Later on, I had to run to work to make some copies for tomorrow's school day. Husband called and asked if I would return to the Depot for a forgotten item. No problem, I thought. I could visit my rugs. I parked, went to the necessary department, conducted my business, and left. As I was walking to my swagger wagon, I noticed a car parked next to mine on the driver's side. There were people in it. I got a little uneasy.
As I got closer, it became clear that the occupants of the car were consuming some sort of presumably-illicit substance. They didn't look like altar boys, I can say that much. I briefly considered turning around and grabbing a fresh-faced Home Depot soldier to accompany me out, but I immediately dismissed the idea. My bags were heavy and my chicken-wing arms were protesting, and besides, I'm not a baby. So I walked to my door and fumbled with my keys. The guys in the car got quiet, and my nerves ramped up. I couldn't figure out which damn key unlocked my damn door because they kept looking at me.
One guy whistled. I looked around and saw no one - NO ONE - in the vicinity who could help. (How could this be, when the population of a small town was milling about inside?!) I finally grabbed my key fob when the other one leaned out the window and said, "Hey there, fine piece of ass. We've been checking you out. Why don't you hop in and we'll take you for a ride?"
He was a foot away from me. In that instant I thought, "There are two of them and one of me. There's no one around. I couldn't overpower the Snuggle teddy bear, much less two grown men. I'd fit through their window if they pulled hard enough. Should I scream? Why did I wear my yoga clothes to the store?" In that instant I thought about the time in senior year when I went to the bathroom during math and was pushed against the wall by a boy who thought it okay to shove his hand all the way up my skirt. In that instant I thought about the time I was held to a bed, knife against my neck, by a boy I thought loved me who told me no one would believe me so I should keep my mouth shut and do what he said. In that instant I thought about the time a big boy I trusted told me the boogey man would get me if I didn't give him the pleasure he demanded.
Nothing happened. I got in my car, peeled out of the parking lot, and stumbled back into my home completely unscathed. Well, maybe not completely. Because here's the thing. Sometimes lewd words made by men to women truly are harmless. (Would these junkies have hurt me if they'd had the chance? Maybe so, maybe not.) But even if those words harbor no ill-intent, they still have tremendous power to intimidate, terrify, and traumatize. Women get hurt by men at alarming rates. Think I'm alone in my experiences? According to the Rape and Incest National Network, an American is sexually assaulted every 109 seconds. SECONDS. Additionally, one out of every six women has been the victim of a completed or attempted rape in her lifetime. I'm certainly not alone, though I wish I were.
This notion that "boys will be boys," or that guys just don't know any better, is utter and complete bullshit. When I came home today and told Husband what happened, he was mortified. His first question was, "Did you get their license plate number?" To which I replied, "I was fucking terrified, so no, I didn't." "Oh," he said, "God. Maybe you should carry a gun." He's a good man who has never so much as raised an eyebrow to me much less his voice or his hand. He doesn't take kindly to people who pick on women.
But I don't want to carry a gun, and I don't want to blame myself for wearing yoga clothes to Home Depot. I don't want to blame 17-year old me for going to the bathroom during class and exposing myself to dirtbags trolling the halls for victims. I don't want to blame 13-year old me for trusting my dearest, best friend who turned out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. I don't want to blame the 5-year old me for... being a little girl, the most vulnerable human on the planet.
We women deserve to walk the earth feeling safe, secure, and confident. We do NOT deserve to believe our bodies exist only for the entertainment and exploitation of men. It's bullshit and I won't stand for it. I have a daughter and I have sons and I have an inner child who's been begging me to speak up for decades. NO MORE. WE CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT TAKE THIS ANY LONGER. If you have a story, please share it. If you are a women, please speak out. If you are a good man - and most of you are! - please don't dismiss the toxic waste that comes out of other men's mouths. Together we can change. Together we can fix this. NO MORE.
Friday, October 14, 2016
The Thief of Joy
There's this lady in my church who appears perfect in every way. She has silky blonde hair and sparkling white teeth and feminine style and a demure, gentle personality that leaves me convinced small animals must follow her through the woods when she takes walks. She even has a pair of perfect, blonde, well-mannered children who have probably never been dirty or sticky in their entire young lives. I hate her. Or rather, I hate what she brings up for me. Being in the same zip code as this girl inflames my own insecurities. My hair is pretty cool, but it cost a lot of money and someone else had to do it for me. My teeth are crooked and stained. My style, while authentic, won't be on the cover of Vogue any time soon. And my kids? They're amazing, but they're also loud and very, very grimy. If this lady is New York City, I am Hoboken.
How can it be that I try so hard to look like I've got my shit together - unsuccessfully, on most days - and other people can just roll out of bed with rays of light beaming from their skin? They're prettier than I am, more approachable, smarter, funnier, kinder, and damn it all, so, so much thinner. (I imagine we all have one marker of our own failings that cuts a little deeper than the rest; this is mine.)
And don't even get me started on accomplishments. I am blessed with some remarkably talented, hard-working friends, who collectively have an entire alphabet of credentials after their names. Comparing my professional achievements to theirs is like comparing a street mongrel to a pedigreed show dog. These people have done things! Real, important, meaningful things! I'm pretty confident my students like me, and I love what I do, but there are no letters after my name. (Perhaps I can ease my anxiety about this by forcing my students to address me as, "Your Highness," or at the very least, "Esteemed Madame." Might be a tough sell with sixth graders.)
What is a girl to do when she's surrounded by people so obviously, glaringly better than she? I've tried a couple techniques in the past. I call the first one pure, unfiltered bitterness. It fails almost immediately, because while it's briefly cathartic to think, "You're more __________ than I am and I hate you for it," it's pretty lonely and toxic. The second technique relies on a sort of reverse comparison. Instead of finding yourself in the down position, seek out people who make you feel superior. This one is actually fairly easy - "Well, at least I don't wear slippers to bring my kids to soccer like that poor sap," - but it fails because it is profoundly unkind. You will end up feeling just as miserable and inadequate as before, but with an added scoop of guilt and shame. The third technique, which has been my default for as long as I can remember, is to harshly berate yourself for your deficiencies and do whatever possible to fix or hide them. For me this technique forms the spine of my decades-long eating disorder. "You are good, I am bad. I don't know how to be as good as you, but I can be thinner, or I can die trying." The logical fallacy here is crystal clear: The negative self-obsession simply leaves no room for actual constructive growth.
There's a fourth technique I've considered but haven't tried. It's a strange concept I'll dub Empathic Realism. This technique presumes that all people - regardless of how perfect and sparkly they appear - experience pain, fear, and self-doubt. We're really not so different at all. Even the Disney princess in my church has likely cried herself to sleep, yelled at her kids, fought with her partner, and felt inferior to someone else. Here's the power in Empathic Realism: it's an equalizer. It levels the playing field for all of us and invites us to see each other the way we really are. What we see on the outside is almost never the whole picture. A lady with a dazzling smile may be hiding deep distress. A husband who brings his wife flowers every day may be hiding infidelity. A guy with a successful career may be distracting from an addiction. A 1950s-worthy wife and mom may be hiding desperate, aching loneliness. That's the realism. The empathy piece comes when we acknowledge the humanity, not the veneer. When we look at someone and say, "I see the real you in there. I'm right there with you."
That acknowledgement must extend to ourselves, too, for this technique to reach maximum effectiveness. Am I perfect? Ha! We're already determined that's not the case. But I try to to the right thing. I try to be honest, act with integrity, and serve others. I stumble often, but I get back up. In the end, it's the soldiering on that's the true mark of success. When we can soldier on together, in solidarity and shared humanity, we've achieved the best success of all.
How can it be that I try so hard to look like I've got my shit together - unsuccessfully, on most days - and other people can just roll out of bed with rays of light beaming from their skin? They're prettier than I am, more approachable, smarter, funnier, kinder, and damn it all, so, so much thinner. (I imagine we all have one marker of our own failings that cuts a little deeper than the rest; this is mine.)
And don't even get me started on accomplishments. I am blessed with some remarkably talented, hard-working friends, who collectively have an entire alphabet of credentials after their names. Comparing my professional achievements to theirs is like comparing a street mongrel to a pedigreed show dog. These people have done things! Real, important, meaningful things! I'm pretty confident my students like me, and I love what I do, but there are no letters after my name. (Perhaps I can ease my anxiety about this by forcing my students to address me as, "Your Highness," or at the very least, "Esteemed Madame." Might be a tough sell with sixth graders.)
What is a girl to do when she's surrounded by people so obviously, glaringly better than she? I've tried a couple techniques in the past. I call the first one pure, unfiltered bitterness. It fails almost immediately, because while it's briefly cathartic to think, "You're more __________ than I am and I hate you for it," it's pretty lonely and toxic. The second technique relies on a sort of reverse comparison. Instead of finding yourself in the down position, seek out people who make you feel superior. This one is actually fairly easy - "Well, at least I don't wear slippers to bring my kids to soccer like that poor sap," - but it fails because it is profoundly unkind. You will end up feeling just as miserable and inadequate as before, but with an added scoop of guilt and shame. The third technique, which has been my default for as long as I can remember, is to harshly berate yourself for your deficiencies and do whatever possible to fix or hide them. For me this technique forms the spine of my decades-long eating disorder. "You are good, I am bad. I don't know how to be as good as you, but I can be thinner, or I can die trying." The logical fallacy here is crystal clear: The negative self-obsession simply leaves no room for actual constructive growth.
There's a fourth technique I've considered but haven't tried. It's a strange concept I'll dub Empathic Realism. This technique presumes that all people - regardless of how perfect and sparkly they appear - experience pain, fear, and self-doubt. We're really not so different at all. Even the Disney princess in my church has likely cried herself to sleep, yelled at her kids, fought with her partner, and felt inferior to someone else. Here's the power in Empathic Realism: it's an equalizer. It levels the playing field for all of us and invites us to see each other the way we really are. What we see on the outside is almost never the whole picture. A lady with a dazzling smile may be hiding deep distress. A husband who brings his wife flowers every day may be hiding infidelity. A guy with a successful career may be distracting from an addiction. A 1950s-worthy wife and mom may be hiding desperate, aching loneliness. That's the realism. The empathy piece comes when we acknowledge the humanity, not the veneer. When we look at someone and say, "I see the real you in there. I'm right there with you."
That acknowledgement must extend to ourselves, too, for this technique to reach maximum effectiveness. Am I perfect? Ha! We're already determined that's not the case. But I try to to the right thing. I try to be honest, act with integrity, and serve others. I stumble often, but I get back up. In the end, it's the soldiering on that's the true mark of success. When we can soldier on together, in solidarity and shared humanity, we've achieved the best success of all.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Owning Your Story
It's been awhile, friends. Life got demanding, like a toddler in the toy aisle. I've thought for months about writing, but there were too many demands on my time and attention. (Full disclosure: I've been afraid to write. Vulnerability can be a real hindrance to military-grade productivity.) Today I took a moment to check my blog, and I had a private message from a reader in South Korea. As it turns out, I have a lot of readers in South Korea. Who knew? (To my friends in the far East, thank you, I see you, and you are loved.) Anyhow, this reader was succinct: "I need to hear your words. Your story is like my story and I don't know how to tell mine. Please write." Wow.
Now, there are a few directions I could've taken with this request. My initial thought was, "Oh my God, what have I done? This poor kid thinks I'm some kind of a role model. I'm a disaster. I need to take down my blog." That was followed with, "Hey, look at me! People on another continent have read my stuff!" Finally - mercifully - I thought, "Okay. Here's proof that all the shit I've been through, all the shit I still face every day, has a purpose. It means something. It'sfor something."
As luck, or fate, or God, would have it, this message was followed almost immediately with a lunch date with the new pastor of my church. A little background may be helpful here. My old pastor recently retired. Before she did so, in addition to being at my hospital bedside when my babies were born, she was my spiritual wingman through multiple rounds of eating disorder treatment. She was gentle when I started to slip and a real hardass when I was dying. In short, she was a rock star in the concert of my life. Fast forward to this new gal, and I was hopeful but cautious. I didn't introduce myself with, "Hi, I'm Cassie, I'm a longtime church-member and chronic anorexic!" I didn't mention it at all. During our lunch date, after finding common ground in kids and work and books, she recommended I read Glennon Doyle Melton's Love Warrior. I downloaded it as soon as I got home, and that's where this tornado started blowing.
I'm not far into the book, but one thing's for sure: it strikes awfully close to home. (I highly recommend it, by the way. Unfiltered truth is the best.) The book's beginning describes Melton's descent into bulimia and addiction and her willingness to sacrifice her body for a fleeting, insincere sense of value. I get that. I thought about my own past, with its two decades of starving and purging and cutting and lies and false perfection, and I thought about my friend from South Korea. "I need to hear your words. Your story is like my story and I don't know how to tell mine. Please write."
Message received, universe. Here's the truth: I'm having a hard time. Would I love to be 95 pounds again? Absolutely. I'd do it in a minute. No questions asked. Every single day I put food in my mouth reluctantly, spitefully, resentfully. I eat for my family, I eat for my students, I eat for all the people I don't want to disappoint again, since I've disappointed them so many times before. But here's the thing. As agonizing as this process is, there's joy in it. There's joy in the knowledge that I'm looking at my past and saying, "Nope, not anymore." There's joy in the ability to climb out of bed in the morning, take my dogs for a walk, and share breakfast with my kids. There's joy in the progress I've made, even if there's still a long way to go.
I'm owning my story, because one person in one corner of the world asked me to do so, and because one new pastor - who, jury's in, is wonderful - prodded me out of my comfort zone. I'll be writing more. I'll be sharing more. I'll be vulnerable, despite the hit it may strike to my robotic productivity. There has to be a reason I've seen and survived what I have. I intend to own it.
Now, there are a few directions I could've taken with this request. My initial thought was, "Oh my God, what have I done? This poor kid thinks I'm some kind of a role model. I'm a disaster. I need to take down my blog." That was followed with, "Hey, look at me! People on another continent have read my stuff!" Finally - mercifully - I thought, "Okay. Here's proof that all the shit I've been through, all the shit I still face every day, has a purpose. It means something. It's
As luck, or fate, or God, would have it, this message was followed almost immediately with a lunch date with the new pastor of my church. A little background may be helpful here. My old pastor recently retired. Before she did so, in addition to being at my hospital bedside when my babies were born, she was my spiritual wingman through multiple rounds of eating disorder treatment. She was gentle when I started to slip and a real hardass when I was dying. In short, she was a rock star in the concert of my life. Fast forward to this new gal, and I was hopeful but cautious. I didn't introduce myself with, "Hi, I'm Cassie, I'm a longtime church-member and chronic anorexic!" I didn't mention it at all. During our lunch date, after finding common ground in kids and work and books, she recommended I read Glennon Doyle Melton's Love Warrior. I downloaded it as soon as I got home, and that's where this tornado started blowing.
I'm not far into the book, but one thing's for sure: it strikes awfully close to home. (I highly recommend it, by the way. Unfiltered truth is the best.) The book's beginning describes Melton's descent into bulimia and addiction and her willingness to sacrifice her body for a fleeting, insincere sense of value. I get that. I thought about my own past, with its two decades of starving and purging and cutting and lies and false perfection, and I thought about my friend from South Korea. "I need to hear your words. Your story is like my story and I don't know how to tell mine. Please write."
Message received, universe. Here's the truth: I'm having a hard time. Would I love to be 95 pounds again? Absolutely. I'd do it in a minute. No questions asked. Every single day I put food in my mouth reluctantly, spitefully, resentfully. I eat for my family, I eat for my students, I eat for all the people I don't want to disappoint again, since I've disappointed them so many times before. But here's the thing. As agonizing as this process is, there's joy in it. There's joy in the knowledge that I'm looking at my past and saying, "Nope, not anymore." There's joy in the ability to climb out of bed in the morning, take my dogs for a walk, and share breakfast with my kids. There's joy in the progress I've made, even if there's still a long way to go.
I'm owning my story, because one person in one corner of the world asked me to do so, and because one new pastor - who, jury's in, is wonderful - prodded me out of my comfort zone. I'll be writing more. I'll be sharing more. I'll be vulnerable, despite the hit it may strike to my robotic productivity. There has to be a reason I've seen and survived what I have. I intend to own it.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
When "Help" Is a Dirty Word
It was my turn on the Playground Duty rotation recently. I'm love my middle school kids, but it's always fun to hang out with the little guys. The kindergarteners and first graders gave me hugs and high-fives and showed me their missing teeth. One asked me to tie his shoe, another to zip her jacket, yet another to open his squeezable yogurt. I started keeping track of these requests. By the time the bell rang, I had been asked for help twelve times. In twenty five minutes. None of these appeals came with an embarrassed, "I'm sorry, I hate to bother you," or the ashamed admission, "I know I should be able to do this myself, I'm just a mess right now." The kids needed help, they asked, I helped. Pretty straightforward.
Except it's not always straightforward, at least for some of us. When a five-year old has a problem she needs solving, she thinks nothing of reaching out to someone bigger, wiser, and with better fine-motor skills. When a 31-year old (me) has a problem she needs solving, she vows to work ten times harder to figure that problem out on her own, all the while maintaining perfect composure and refusing to admit there's anything wrong. That approach wouldn't work for the five-year old; the shoes would go untied and be tripped over, the jacket would stay unzipped and a chill would be caught, the yogurt wouldn't open and there would be tears. The approach doesn't work so well for the 31-year old either, as it happens.
Somewhere along the way I developed this notion that asking for help is a sign of weakness. I taught myself to be self-sufficient, and when that didn't work, I taught myself to lie and manipulate in order to cover up whatever calamity I was mired in. I'm not sure when this shift took place. A long time ago, if I needed a cup in a high cabinet, I would've asked someone to get it for me. I wasn't born resistant to help. That behavior hatched and grew like a parasite until eventually my whole brain was contaminated. I think it's normal for teenagers to go through this phase; they're flexing their independence and they need space to try, fall, and try again. Most people realize in early adulthood that everyone needs a hand sometimes, and they lighten up.
Some of us don't. Some of us become so revolted by the mere notion of asking for help that we'd rather die trying to do it ourselves than admit we're struggling. We want to be strong. We want to be capable. We want to be needless, wantless, anti-dependent. We love when people ask us for help, of course. The helper is in the power position. God forbid we should need to be rescued ourselves, though. Can you imagine?
I've done a lot of growing and healing over the last several years, but this is one of the issues I still struggle to overcome. I love looking like I have all my shit together. There's no drug quite like hearing someone ask, in awe, "How do you do it all?" Well, friend, since you asked, I do it all by sacrificing every last shred of sleep and sanity. (Probably not the expected answer.) The truth is, I do it all because I'm absolutely terrified of what might happen if I don't.
I can ask for the simple, practical things. "Can you watch my kids for a half-hour?" "Can I borrow your stapler?" "Would you mind covering me for five minutes so I can run to the bathroom?" There's no guilt attached to that stuff. But sometimes I want (need) to say, "I'm really having a hard time. Can we talk?" or, "I'm scared that things aren't going well. I'm not sure what to do." Those are the things I don't speak aloud. Those are the things with sacks full of shame and guilt tied to them like anchors. Incidentally, those are the things that are the most important. Funny how that works.
My challenge to myself - and to any of you who battle the insecurity demon - is to be more childlike. Instead of attaching all sorts of self-deprecating connotations to asking for help, let's just throw caution to the wind and DO IT. What's the worst that can happen? Someone says no? Worse, we get judged? Well, is that such a big deal, since we've been judging ourselves this whole time anyway? If someone says no or cops an attitude, we'll just move on to the next person. Lucky for us, there are lots of them out there. Maybe we'll be pleasantly surprised. Maybe people will be glad we asked. Maybe someone will say, "I've been sitting here for months watching you drown, just waiting for you to ask for a life preserver. I'm glad you finally did." Maybe someone will even say, "Wow, you need that? I do too. Maybe we can help each other."
In the interest of starting off strong, here I go: Friends, will you help me take this challenge?
Except it's not always straightforward, at least for some of us. When a five-year old has a problem she needs solving, she thinks nothing of reaching out to someone bigger, wiser, and with better fine-motor skills. When a 31-year old (me) has a problem she needs solving, she vows to work ten times harder to figure that problem out on her own, all the while maintaining perfect composure and refusing to admit there's anything wrong. That approach wouldn't work for the five-year old; the shoes would go untied and be tripped over, the jacket would stay unzipped and a chill would be caught, the yogurt wouldn't open and there would be tears. The approach doesn't work so well for the 31-year old either, as it happens.
Somewhere along the way I developed this notion that asking for help is a sign of weakness. I taught myself to be self-sufficient, and when that didn't work, I taught myself to lie and manipulate in order to cover up whatever calamity I was mired in. I'm not sure when this shift took place. A long time ago, if I needed a cup in a high cabinet, I would've asked someone to get it for me. I wasn't born resistant to help. That behavior hatched and grew like a parasite until eventually my whole brain was contaminated. I think it's normal for teenagers to go through this phase; they're flexing their independence and they need space to try, fall, and try again. Most people realize in early adulthood that everyone needs a hand sometimes, and they lighten up.
Some of us don't. Some of us become so revolted by the mere notion of asking for help that we'd rather die trying to do it ourselves than admit we're struggling. We want to be strong. We want to be capable. We want to be needless, wantless, anti-dependent. We love when people ask us for help, of course. The helper is in the power position. God forbid we should need to be rescued ourselves, though. Can you imagine?
I've done a lot of growing and healing over the last several years, but this is one of the issues I still struggle to overcome. I love looking like I have all my shit together. There's no drug quite like hearing someone ask, in awe, "How do you do it all?" Well, friend, since you asked, I do it all by sacrificing every last shred of sleep and sanity. (Probably not the expected answer.) The truth is, I do it all because I'm absolutely terrified of what might happen if I don't.
I can ask for the simple, practical things. "Can you watch my kids for a half-hour?" "Can I borrow your stapler?" "Would you mind covering me for five minutes so I can run to the bathroom?" There's no guilt attached to that stuff. But sometimes I want (need) to say, "I'm really having a hard time. Can we talk?" or, "I'm scared that things aren't going well. I'm not sure what to do." Those are the things I don't speak aloud. Those are the things with sacks full of shame and guilt tied to them like anchors. Incidentally, those are the things that are the most important. Funny how that works.
My challenge to myself - and to any of you who battle the insecurity demon - is to be more childlike. Instead of attaching all sorts of self-deprecating connotations to asking for help, let's just throw caution to the wind and DO IT. What's the worst that can happen? Someone says no? Worse, we get judged? Well, is that such a big deal, since we've been judging ourselves this whole time anyway? If someone says no or cops an attitude, we'll just move on to the next person. Lucky for us, there are lots of them out there. Maybe we'll be pleasantly surprised. Maybe people will be glad we asked. Maybe someone will say, "I've been sitting here for months watching you drown, just waiting for you to ask for a life preserver. I'm glad you finally did." Maybe someone will even say, "Wow, you need that? I do too. Maybe we can help each other."
In the interest of starting off strong, here I go: Friends, will you help me take this challenge?
Friday, September 4, 2015
Maybe Buttons Were Made to be Pushed
I love being a teacher. I especially love being an English teacher. I get to explain language to children every day. I get to introduce narrative prose, persuasive writing, and poetry to young minds. I get to guide kids on the path to proper grammar, solid spelling, and the nuances of sentence structure. I get to be present for innumerable "aha moments." There's nothing better than that.
Not all of my job is punctuation and Longfellow, though. A surprising amount of my time is taken up with the social, emotional, and familial challenges of my students. Here's a little secret: teachers are 50% educators, 50% social workers. We have to mediate peer conflicts. We have to bolster self-esteem. Sometimes we have to help our kids cope with their difficult, unfair, chaotic lives.
I have a student right now whose personal challenges mirror my own when I was her age. I see myself in her struggle. I hear her talk, watch her cry, and I see my 5th grade self in all of her pain and confusion. She makes me remember. It hurts. I have a hard time balancing my professional obligations with my personal connections. I ache. I want to wrap her up in my arms and insist to her that someday it will be okay. In doing so, I'm wrapping up my younger self and insisting the same. She is who I was. She hurts like I hurt. She's scared like I was scared. She's at risk for the same things I was: depression, self-harm, eating disorders. She'll face things I shied away from: drugs, alcohol, boys. She sits on the very same precipice I did almost two decades ago.
I can't help but project my own life onto her. I can't help but think, "No, stop! Just pause for a minute. I know how you feel. No, really. I KNOW. But hang on. Keep going. Do that homework, even though you've got a thousand things going on at home. Read that book even though the noise in your house is almost unbearable. Keep your head down. Believe in your own strength. You can rise above this. You WILL rise above this. But you mustn't give up." I don't know if I'm talking to her or to the child me.
But does it matter? Maybe the reason this child is in my life is to push those buttons. Maybe this child is in my life because we both need to heal and to breathe. Maybe she's been placed in my care because no one in the world knows her story better than I do. Yes, it brings up difficult memories. Yes, I want to run from it. But I also have the gift of time, of hindsight, of victory. I'm largely at peace now. I've learned to forgive. I've learned to understand, and to accept what can't be understood. I've cultivated a beautiful, productive, joyful life. She can too, and I know this with certainty, because I was her.
The next time you encounter a person who pushes all your buttons, I invite you to get introspective. It wouldn't have such a profound impact if it didn't hit a deep nerve. What about this person reminds you of something? How do you relate to him/her? What do you have to learn? More importantly, what do you have to teach? Because in the end, that's what our life experiences allow us to do. Teach. Show the next generation that it will be okay. That they are not alone. When our buttons are pushed, we must determine what we have to give. That's what makes our survival worthwhile.
Not all of my job is punctuation and Longfellow, though. A surprising amount of my time is taken up with the social, emotional, and familial challenges of my students. Here's a little secret: teachers are 50% educators, 50% social workers. We have to mediate peer conflicts. We have to bolster self-esteem. Sometimes we have to help our kids cope with their difficult, unfair, chaotic lives.
I have a student right now whose personal challenges mirror my own when I was her age. I see myself in her struggle. I hear her talk, watch her cry, and I see my 5th grade self in all of her pain and confusion. She makes me remember. It hurts. I have a hard time balancing my professional obligations with my personal connections. I ache. I want to wrap her up in my arms and insist to her that someday it will be okay. In doing so, I'm wrapping up my younger self and insisting the same. She is who I was. She hurts like I hurt. She's scared like I was scared. She's at risk for the same things I was: depression, self-harm, eating disorders. She'll face things I shied away from: drugs, alcohol, boys. She sits on the very same precipice I did almost two decades ago.
I can't help but project my own life onto her. I can't help but think, "No, stop! Just pause for a minute. I know how you feel. No, really. I KNOW. But hang on. Keep going. Do that homework, even though you've got a thousand things going on at home. Read that book even though the noise in your house is almost unbearable. Keep your head down. Believe in your own strength. You can rise above this. You WILL rise above this. But you mustn't give up." I don't know if I'm talking to her or to the child me.
But does it matter? Maybe the reason this child is in my life is to push those buttons. Maybe this child is in my life because we both need to heal and to breathe. Maybe she's been placed in my care because no one in the world knows her story better than I do. Yes, it brings up difficult memories. Yes, I want to run from it. But I also have the gift of time, of hindsight, of victory. I'm largely at peace now. I've learned to forgive. I've learned to understand, and to accept what can't be understood. I've cultivated a beautiful, productive, joyful life. She can too, and I know this with certainty, because I was her.
The next time you encounter a person who pushes all your buttons, I invite you to get introspective. It wouldn't have such a profound impact if it didn't hit a deep nerve. What about this person reminds you of something? How do you relate to him/her? What do you have to learn? More importantly, what do you have to teach? Because in the end, that's what our life experiences allow us to do. Teach. Show the next generation that it will be okay. That they are not alone. When our buttons are pushed, we must determine what we have to give. That's what makes our survival worthwhile.
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