Lies?

"Sure, you talk the talk when you need to; I fear the whole world is starting to believe you." -Tori Amos, "Taxi Ride"

At what point are you considered a fraud? I ask because everyone I know seems to think I'm 100% recovered. They believe that my eating disorder was "just a phase," and I'm past it now. My friends and family seem to believe that once the hallmark behaviors have subsided, the disease has disappeared.

Here's the thing. Even though I'm not actively sick, I still have disordered obsessions and compulsions. Maybe I quit therapy too soon. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe there's a heap of issues I chose not to deal with. Whatever the reason, anorexia and bulimia still exist in my mind.

I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm satisfied, indulge in the occasional treat. But I also count calories, drink diet soda, and obsess about the way my clothes fit. Is an eating disorder a life sentence? Am I being deceitful by letting people think I'm entirely absolved? Is this simply the reality of recovery?

One Day at a Time

Very interesting sermon in church today about the phrase, "lead us not into temptation." The basic gist was that in order to truly overcome temptation, you have to subit to a higher power. Give up your feigned image of self-control and accept that you need guidance, absolution.

Relevant, wouldn't you say? The pastor made many references to AA, and I sat there thinking how similar alcoholics are to people with anorexia and bulimia. I thought about some other AA sayings that relate to our recovery experiences:

"It's easy to talk the talk, harder to walk the walk."

"Fake it til you make it."

"F.E.A.R. - Face Everything And Recover!"

"Try it for 90 days, and if you don't like it, we'll refund your misery."

"We have a disease that tells us we don't have a disease."

"There's no gain without pain."

"If you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery places."

"Progress, not perfection."

And finally, my favorite of all - "Change happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go."