"Your choices determine your quality of life," I explained to my son as he was being disciplined for lying. "Make good choices, good things will follow. Make poor choices, and accept the consequences." Then I had one of those 'practice what you preach' moments.
I am in what is called "active recovery." I am following my treatment recommendations, complying with clinical orders, rebuffing my disease when it whispers in my ear. It whispers loudly, though. Whenever some difficulty arises - financial, marital, social, parental, emotional - I inevetably think, "Lose twenty pounds and everything will get better." Logically weight loss is not the solution to an overdue bill, a conflict over household chores, or feeling sad. Logically I acknowledge that descending back into anorexia will not only keep me from solving my problems, it will compound those problems significantly. That doesn't lessen the allure, though.
There's a real appeal to the notion of a quick fix. To the alcoholic, a drink may take the edge off. To the drug addict, a hit may soothe the ache. To the chronic rager, blowing off some steam by screaming may release the pressure valve a bit. And to an eating disordered person, dropping some pounds may numb the deafening noise of life. The ugly truth is that choosing to acquiesce to the urges is choosing to avoid the real issues. Things feel better for about five seconds, until they don't anymore. Then you feel worse. Then you go back to the negative behaviors with even more fervor. And on and on and on, never seeking a solution, ever digging a deeper hole.
Choice. That's what it all comes down to. It's perhaps the greatest gift God bestowed upon His beloved creation. It's the power to decide which path to follow. The easy path, or the right one. The further along I get in recovery, the more healthy coping mechanisms I develop, the more I understand the profound responsibility of choice. I want to lead a fulfilling life. Does the choice I'm about to make reflect that? I want to have an intimate relationship. Does the choice I'm about to make reflect that? I want to raise independent, joyful children. Does the choice I'm about to make reflect that?
Take a breath, in that moment when your vice (food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, et. al.) seems so enticing, and call upon your values. Remember that you have a choice. YOU have the power. Life happens, yes, and it often throws all manners of chaos our way, but we alone have control over our reactions. Nobody can affect our lives as deeply and profoundly as we can. Choice. That's what it comes down to. As I told my son, awash in his regret over a poor decision, "Your choices determine your quality of life." What sort of quality of life do you seek?
