After years of procrastination, fear of failure, and general too-sick-to-do-anything-useful-ness, I have finally jumped headlong into the job hunt. I was so excited about it at first. I'm finally going to make something of myself! Prove I'm worth something! Show everyone what I can do! Not too pathological, eh? Anyway, I spent hours scouring the job openings in my field of healthcare, comparing pay differentials and weighing the costs and benefits of various positions. I discovered that psychiatric clinical support positions were not only plentiful, but more financially rewarding than some of the other options. So I began applying. I shared my enthusiasm with Larry, who didn't seem as jubilant as I was. He suggested I run the idea of working in a psych facility past my therapist. I rolled my eyes, but made the call to appease him.
Well, wouldn't you know it, my dear therapist seems to think it's a terrible idea. She explained that seeing the patients, hearing their stories, would bring up my own issues. She said that when she worked in similar settings, she found it traumatic even without having a "trauma history." She said that the typical recommendation is for clients to avoid working in the mental health field for at least two years after recovery from their trauma - and as she not-so-delicately pointed out, I'm not even IN recovery from my trauma yet.
So I got mad. Furious. Incensed, even. I started pinging back and forth between playing the victim ("I never asked for any of that stuff to happen, it's just not fair that I'm still having to pay for it") and blatantly perpetrating myself ("You stupid, cowardly baby, grow a pair and move on for God's sake. You're a waste of space.") I'm trying to hang out in the middle... accept that, while this isn't the ideal situation and I don't have to like it, it is what it is and I have to change tactics.
It's difficult, though. I am incredibly tired of avoiding my problems by hurting myself, and equally as tired of "taking care of myself" to the point of never taking any risks. I JUST WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE.
Ever feel that way?
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Reality Check
The National Center for Victims of Crime reports that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience some form of sexual assault. Other startling statistics include:
· 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be a victim of sexual assault in their lifetime
· 20 – 25% of college women are raped during their college career
· 80% of women and 40 – 60% of men with disabilities will be sexually assaulted before the age of 25
There's a reality check, eh? I have to mention that the NCVC includes the following in its definition of "sexual assault": rape, incest, child molestation, groping, fondling, inappropriate sexual conduct with a minor, and sexual exhibitionism.
Think of all the women you know and love. Then try to grasp that one in six of them have already or will someday become a victim. Makes you angry, doesn't it?
Some day I will post my story of sexual abuse and rape on this blog. I'm not quite ready for that yet, though. However, I view it as my personal responsibility to educate as many people as I possibly can on the very real and very destructive reality of sexual violence.
If you would like more information on statistics or resources, I suggest checking out the following organizations:
RAINN (The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) http://www.rainn.org/
Stop It Now (Together We Can Prevent the Sexual Abuse of Children) http://www.stopitnow.org/
Child Help (Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse: http://www.childhelp.org/
Pandora's Project (Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse) http://www.pandys.org/
ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) http://www.ascasupport.org/
· 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be a victim of sexual assault in their lifetime
· 20 – 25% of college women are raped during their college career
· 80% of women and 40 – 60% of men with disabilities will be sexually assaulted before the age of 25
There's a reality check, eh? I have to mention that the NCVC includes the following in its definition of "sexual assault": rape, incest, child molestation, groping, fondling, inappropriate sexual conduct with a minor, and sexual exhibitionism.
Think of all the women you know and love. Then try to grasp that one in six of them have already or will someday become a victim. Makes you angry, doesn't it?
Some day I will post my story of sexual abuse and rape on this blog. I'm not quite ready for that yet, though. However, I view it as my personal responsibility to educate as many people as I possibly can on the very real and very destructive reality of sexual violence.
If you would like more information on statistics or resources, I suggest checking out the following organizations:
RAINN (The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) http://www.rainn.org/
Stop It Now (Together We Can Prevent the Sexual Abuse of Children) http://www.stopitnow.org/
Child Help (Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse: http://www.childhelp.org/
Pandora's Project (Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse) http://www.pandys.org/
ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) http://www.ascasupport.org/
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Misconceptions and Delusions
I was online this morning looking for E.D. statistics for something I'm writing. My search of "incidence of anorexia and bulimia nervosa in pre-teens" yielded some shocking results. In addition to the factual information I was looking for, I was led to some "Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia" websites. They are stomping grounds for aspiring anorexics and bulimics encouraging each other on their paths to destruction. I remember looking at sites like that when I was in my teens, cruising for tips and tricks. However, with the public backlash against these sites several years ago, I assumed they had all but disappeared. Boy was I wrong.
I read with horror posts by girls (some as young as 11) about their desire to be sick. The "glory," the "success," the "uniqueness" that could be achieved - in their distorted minds - only by being painfully, dangerously thin. It made me very sad, and then it made me very angry.
This glorification of eating disorders is simply preposterous. Let me tell you what my disease drove me to do. I threw up in gas station bathrooms, in alleys, in bushes, on the sidewalk next to my house, in the school cafeteria, on dates, in fancy restaurants, and in one very, very regrettable situation, at church while everyone else was taking communion.
I once licked a piece of rotten mean hoping it would give me food poisoning. I researched tapeworms on the internet to see how to go about contracting them. I ate boxes of chocolate laxatives at a time, and spent the next several days writhing in pain on the toilet. I took Ipecac by the vial, getting so sick I would vomit on myself because I simply couldn't muster the strength to get to the bathroom.
I worked out constantly, agonizingly, pushing through cramps and sprains and lightheadedness, to the point of being told by gym staff that I was upsetting the other patrons.
I ended up in the hospital over and over and over. Dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, arrhythmia. I yanked IV's out of my arms because I was so terrified the saline would somehow make me fat.
I spent years of my life that way. Did I achieve any kind of glory? Quite the opposite. Instead, I was a miserable, deathly-ill shell of a person. I put the people around me, the people who love me, through absolute hell. And I never got where I wanted to be... because that's the truth: No matter how thin you get, no matter how much weight you lose, no matter how hard you work, it will NEVER be enough. You will try and try and then you will die, and that's a fact.
If you know a young person who makes statements about her/his body that are disparaging, please don't take it lightly. Every journey begins with the first step, and every eating disorder begins with the first skipped meal. These diseases are deadly. Please join me in doing all you can to protect our children!
I read with horror posts by girls (some as young as 11) about their desire to be sick. The "glory," the "success," the "uniqueness" that could be achieved - in their distorted minds - only by being painfully, dangerously thin. It made me very sad, and then it made me very angry.
This glorification of eating disorders is simply preposterous. Let me tell you what my disease drove me to do. I threw up in gas station bathrooms, in alleys, in bushes, on the sidewalk next to my house, in the school cafeteria, on dates, in fancy restaurants, and in one very, very regrettable situation, at church while everyone else was taking communion.
I once licked a piece of rotten mean hoping it would give me food poisoning. I researched tapeworms on the internet to see how to go about contracting them. I ate boxes of chocolate laxatives at a time, and spent the next several days writhing in pain on the toilet. I took Ipecac by the vial, getting so sick I would vomit on myself because I simply couldn't muster the strength to get to the bathroom.
I worked out constantly, agonizingly, pushing through cramps and sprains and lightheadedness, to the point of being told by gym staff that I was upsetting the other patrons.
I ended up in the hospital over and over and over. Dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, arrhythmia. I yanked IV's out of my arms because I was so terrified the saline would somehow make me fat.
I spent years of my life that way. Did I achieve any kind of glory? Quite the opposite. Instead, I was a miserable, deathly-ill shell of a person. I put the people around me, the people who love me, through absolute hell. And I never got where I wanted to be... because that's the truth: No matter how thin you get, no matter how much weight you lose, no matter how hard you work, it will NEVER be enough. You will try and try and then you will die, and that's a fact.
If you know a young person who makes statements about her/his body that are disparaging, please don't take it lightly. Every journey begins with the first step, and every eating disorder begins with the first skipped meal. These diseases are deadly. Please join me in doing all you can to protect our children!
Monday, September 5, 2011
You say you understand, but you don't understand...
I have a lot going on in my head right now. What I'm about to say may be irrational. In fact, it probably IS irrational. But it's where I am right now, and I will not invalidate it with "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts."
In the last two weeks, I have had the same sentiment repeated to me by different people in different ways. Their opinions are as follows: "Look at the great life you have right now. You never would have gotten it if you hadn't been through what you have. You should be grateful." "Someday you will look back on your past and be thankful that those things happened, because they helped shape who you are now." "What happened happened, you can only go forward from here."
I understand the motivation behind these statements. I get that people are trying to be encouraging, inspirational, that kind of thing. But you know what? IT PISSES ME OFF. When you've been molested repeatedly, when you've been held down and raped, then you can tell me how I should or shouldn't feel. When you've had your innocence ripped from you, you can tell me I should be grateful. Until then, I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT.
The fact is, I'm NOT grateful. The fact is, I am desperately hurt and wildly confused and frighteningly angry. I love my husband, I love my children, I love my happy little life in the suburbs. I wouldn't change it for anything. But that sure as hell doesn't mean I'm okay with everything that came before it.
If you're a well-meaning friend or family member, let me give you a piece of advice: Instead of telling your loved one how they should feel, or, worse yet, imply they lack gratitude, try this. Simply say, "I'm sorry you had to go through that. I love you, I'm here to listen if you need to talk, and whatever you're feeling right now is okay."
In the last two weeks, I have had the same sentiment repeated to me by different people in different ways. Their opinions are as follows: "Look at the great life you have right now. You never would have gotten it if you hadn't been through what you have. You should be grateful." "Someday you will look back on your past and be thankful that those things happened, because they helped shape who you are now." "What happened happened, you can only go forward from here."
I understand the motivation behind these statements. I get that people are trying to be encouraging, inspirational, that kind of thing. But you know what? IT PISSES ME OFF. When you've been molested repeatedly, when you've been held down and raped, then you can tell me how I should or shouldn't feel. When you've had your innocence ripped from you, you can tell me I should be grateful. Until then, I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT.
The fact is, I'm NOT grateful. The fact is, I am desperately hurt and wildly confused and frighteningly angry. I love my husband, I love my children, I love my happy little life in the suburbs. I wouldn't change it for anything. But that sure as hell doesn't mean I'm okay with everything that came before it.
If you're a well-meaning friend or family member, let me give you a piece of advice: Instead of telling your loved one how they should feel, or, worse yet, imply they lack gratitude, try this. Simply say, "I'm sorry you had to go through that. I love you, I'm here to listen if you need to talk, and whatever you're feeling right now is okay."
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