Disconnected, inconsistent, confused.

Disconnected. Lately I have been feeling a deep disconnect on many levels: with other people, with my body, with my own feelings. It's a sensation that I'm here but not really HERE; taking up space but not inhabiting it. I suppose it could be a mild state of dissociation ("In psychology and psychiatry, [dissociation is] a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body.") but more likely it is the result of a deliberate, persistent avoidance of anything and everything that threatens to cause me pain. On the upside, I've certainly escaped pain; on the downside, I have alienated myself from everything joyful as well.

Inconsistent. A perfect adjective for my recent behavior. I have my good days: meal plan followed; affirmations repeated; loved ones relied upon. But more and more often, those good days are broken up by bad ones: excuses for why I can't POSSIBLY eat everything on my meal plan; scathing, cruel self-talk; dodging the obvious concern of those around me. Some days I try my damnedest to do everything I can in the name of recovery. Other days, it's all I can do to lift a fork to my lips.

Confused. I am lonely, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I am angry, but I am silent. I am scared, but I have a smile on my face. I want to ask for help, but I refuse to betray my vulnerability. I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do, I don't know who I want to be. Confused, indeed.

To all my friends who share a similar struggle, and to all those who care about someone who struggles: be patient, be prayerful, and above all, be hopeful. For even in these times of disconnect, inconsistency, and confusion, there is a silver lining. Never take your eyes off of it.

What I Know (and what I still don't)

What I Know:

I have a husband, whom I cherish more than anyone on this earth, who loves me unconditionally.

I have been blessed with three of the most wonderful, beautiful, incredible, smart, amazing children on the planet.

There is a God in Heaven who loves me for who I am, who forgives me for all of my poor choices, and who sees in me a potential I can't see in myself.

I have done my body a great deal of damage, some fixable, some irreparable.

I am fighting a battle against a most formidable foe, one that attempts to convince me every day that it is my ally and not my greatest threat.

I have the most dedicated, affectionate, caring, empathic, beautiful friends.

My past does not define me, no matter how much my memories and nightmares try to prove to the contrary.

What I don't know:

How to truly acknowledge that a number on the scale does not prove my worth.

How to understand that the size of my jeans has no bearing on my value as a human being.

How to accept that I am okay.