I recently overheard a troubling conversation between two Penn State alumni. They were strangers, bound only by their alma mater, and yet the intensity of their discussion was palpable. And disturbing. (Disclaimer: I know very little about Pennsylvania State University, about the NCAA, or about college sports in general. As always, the opinions expressed in this blog are just that - my opinions.)
Man A and Man B were discussing the recent punishments handed down to Penn State by the NCAA in response to the far-reaching sex abuse scandal most of you have probably heard about. After several minutes of recounting football greatness, Man A said to Man B, "...and all of that gets taken away from us because a couple of fairy boys got their feelings hurt." Man B replied, "Makes you sick, doesn't it?"
At that point I had to get up and leave the room to prevent myself from going all Incredible Hulk on the both of them. My husband, short on words but long on wisdom, reminded me, "They're ignorant idiots, don't let them get to you." And he's right; I can choose not to let the insensitivity of clueless people bother me.
I can also choose to educate.
If you haven't survived sexual trauma, if you haven't personally endured the torture of abuse, you simply cannot fully grasp the lifelong ramifications. I'm going to try to paint a picture of just a handful of the consequences that face survivors: Post-traumatic stress disorder. Alcoholism. Drug abuse. Self-injury. Eating disorders. Suicide. Agoraphobia. Panic disorder. Fear. Hopelessness. Guilt and shame. Misplaced sense of responsibility for abuse. Isolation. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Depression. Insomnia. Low self-esteem. Sexual dysfunction. Disassociative disorders. Impaired relationships. Borderline personality disorder. That's not even a comprehensive list. Then there is the very, very small minority of victims who go on to become abusers themselves, thus perpetuating a horrible cycle.
A bit more than "hurt feelings," no? I have been challenged with the notion of 'time heals all wounds' as it relates to trauma, and it's just not true. Intensive therapy, interventions to resolve maladaptive behaviors and teach healthy coping skills, and in some cases medication, can help alleviate many of the symptoms. Even after all of those things, you never forget. It has been 22 years since my first traumatic event and 14 years since my last one, and I can say that I still battle with the consequences every single day. I have a wonderful family, a comfortable home, safety and security, and access to therapy. Even still, I wake in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, shaking from the images that invaded my mind. I am afraid much of the time. Paranoid, even. And despite a great deal of work, I still struggle with the notion that if my body is starved of its beauty and allure, I will no longer be a potential victim. I am by no means the only one dealing with these things.
In short, I take comfort in the resolution of the Penn State situation. The perpetrator is in prison, and the survivors will have the financial means to access any form of help they need with their healing journies. For most of us survivors, we will never have the same sense of justice; for most of us, our perpetrators walk free and we have to fight for access to mental healthcare.
Be educated, my friends. Know what we're up against. Do your best to protect your children and yourselves. And above all, be kind. There are, after all, more important things in this world than football.
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