Hurt People Hurt People

I'm doing a lot of work in therapy right now to place accountability where it belongs. Specifically, to stop blaming myself for the violence I have endured, and to place blame where it should be (on the perpetrators). I was told that in order to heal, I had to get angry. I disagree.

I have this notion that compassion is more powerful than anger. That maybe, just maybe, peace can be found by forgiving rather than condemning.

I spent years - more than half my life, in fact - punishing myself for things that happened to me as a child. I believed, as sure as I believed the sky was blue, that I was responsible for what happened to me. If I wasn't so inherently bad, so contaminated at a cellular level, I could have avoided all the pain. I recognize now how wrong I was. I was a child, innocent by definition. I had no control over the things that befell me. I was as pure as any other child. God does not make mistakes, and it was a bit presumptuous of me to assume that He made one with me. Starving myself, eating copious amounts and then throwing up, cutting and bruising myself... rather than paying retribution, I was merely revictimizing myself.

I did not decide to be violated. That choice was made for me. I had no say. The popular belief is that in order to heal, I must get angry at the people who made those choices for me. Instead, I am choosing to have empathy.

Make no mistake, I still decry the actions whole-heartedly. Perhaps the most powerful gift bestowed upon human beings is that of free agency. We have the power to choose our actions. The people who hurt me made their choices, knowing, I believe, that there were less violent alternatives. They must be held accountable.

However, I choose to look at myself: a desperately pained, wildly confused girl who did the only thing that made sense - I hurt myself. Perhaps my perpetrators did the same thing. Felt their pain, and lashed out. Look at that old example: "Dad hits Mom, Mom hits Johnny, Johnny kicks the dog." If a person has no awareness of constructive coping mechanisms, that person can only act in survival mode. Sometimes that survival takes the shape of hurting someone else in order to alleviate their own hurt.

Somehow this understanding brings me peace. I am able to think to myself, "I did no wrong. That person did wrong, and it was a choice he made based on his own damage, his own story. I am sad, and I am angry that I was the recipient of the rage, but I forgive."

There is a quote thrown around frequently that I think is quite profound. "Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting their own battle." Think of someone who has hurt you and consider this idea. It doesn't excuse their actions, but it may free you from your suffering, as it is freeing me from mine.