A Clear Perspective

Recently a friend of mine made a very true (albeit blunt) statement: "Anorexia is not something you live with. It's something you die from." I want to expand on this idea.

For a decade and a half I have operated under the notion that if I can only hang on to a little of my disease, just be a tad underweight, just skimp on a few calories, everything will be fine. An article I read earlier this week called this the "almost-eating disorder" philosophy. Living on the edge, if you will. It's a fallacy. One of the hallmarks of eating disorders is that there is no end point. There is no place, no weight, no size, at which you declare, "That's it, I'm good!" Marya Hornbacher, noted author of the heartbreaking memoir "Wasted," said: "You set out to lose five pounds, lose them, set out to lose ten, then twenty, then thirty, then die." It's startling, but it's factual.

After the birth of my last child, I set a goal. Once I was done nursing, I'd get back to my "good weight." She weaned herself at a year, and I got to work. I achieved my goal weight in a relatively short period of time. "May as well keep going, since I'm doing so well," I decided. Within a few months I was skeletal. That had never been my intention. I never set out to relapse into anorexia. I never meant to put my life in peril. I just wanted to look decent in a bathing suit.

I lost perspective then, as I have many times since. "Just a little weight" inevitably turns into "just keep going." It's not only eating disordered people who fall victim to this, though. I was chatting with a friend not long ago and she mentioned the new juice fast she is on, "just to get in shape for my sister's wedding." Another friend was telling me about her seven-day-a-week workout regimen, "just to look good in vacation pictures." Another shared a recipe for low-calorie brownies (!!!), "just to avoid the guilt."

Just, just, just. The word itself is a rationalization; yes, I am doing this outrageous and unhealthy thing, but it's JUST because __________.

"Just" has threatened my life. Continues to do so. Please, if you will, accept this challenge: evaluate all the "justs" in your life. Try to gain perspective, as I am, on the crazy things we do in the name of... anything. Weddings? Pictures? Bathing suits? Are they worth the sacrifices? Are they worth gambling with our lives?