The God Paradox

"You're not praying hard enough." "You're not praying the right way." "You're letting Satan have the upper hand." These are just a handful of the theological reprimands I've gotten on my journey. I could write a book on all the ways my eating disorder is "proof of my spirital fallibility." People seem tremendously eager to point it out. I'm not sure why; perhaps to the ignorant, the only explanation for self-injurious behavior is demonic possesion. While I certainly battle with demons, every single day, I resist the notion that I'm possessed by anything other than a misguided, deeply-entrenched system of coping.

If we're to bring religion into the mix, we should examine the contradictory messages in the Bible itself. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 tells us, "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." An obvious admonition to anything that harms our Heavenly-made bodies. But then, what do we make of Paul's statements in 1 Corinthians of striking a blow to his body, making it a slave in the name of God?

My point isn't to argue that Christianity stipulates deadly self-denial. It does't. My point is to discourage religious rhetoric as a cure for eating disorders. It is as easy for me to make a case for self-flagellation (Catherine of Siena, a 14th century saint, famously starved herself to death to prove her own purity), as it is for other people to make the case for anorexia's wickedness.

Let's leave religion out of it. Please don't question my faithfulness, my spirituality. Don't challenge my religious conviction. I am imperfect, yes - deeply so. But so are you and everyone else on this Earth. The only perfect one was Jesus, remember. And lest you suggest that my (our... there are millions of us) only way to physical and emotional redemption is through submission to God, allow me to share this: I pray every day, many times. I have a dialogue, a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know and feel His love. I acknowledge the pain my disease causes Him. But I also know - as I believe He does - that my disease is not the product of some wicked whisper. It is the product of a host of childhood traumas, a generous helping of poorly-modeled coping mechanisms, and a culture frought with messages of inadequacy. Most importantly, it is the product of a fractured sense of SELF, not of God. It is by repairing the relationship with Self, not with God, that will mean recovery.

Please don't question the faith of the eating-disordered. If you feel compelled to do anything, I ask only tht you extend your love and mercy, as God has commanded us all to do.

"Mercy triumphs over judgement." -James 2:13