Enough is Enough

"I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not well-read enough. I'm not educated enough. I'm not accomplished enough. I'm not a good enough wife. My kids aren't well-behaved enough. My house isn't clean enough. I'm not charitable enough. I'm not witty enough. I'm not active enough in my community. I'm not thin enough. I'm not compassionate enough. I'm not a good enough mother."

These are all thoughts I've had in the last 48 or so hours. Distill them down and the core belief is, "I am not enough." I grew up understanding that I am only as good as the good that I do. My worth is dependent entirely upon what I have to offer the world.

I am in the midst of an internal struggle. Part of my recovery process is acknowledging my limitations. In the interest of health and self-preservation, I must learn to say no. I must give myself time to rest when my body and soul require it. I don't take to this notion easily. While I sit back on my laurels, opportunities to prove my worthiness slip by. How can I prove (to whom? to God? to my family? to the people around me?) that I am a decent human being when all I'm doing is seeing to it that my own needs are met? There is such suffering in the world, such glaring urgency. Who am I to tend to my own selfish demands when there is a bigger, more pressing universal obligation? The guilt presses in, crushing the small voice inside crying out, "You can't help anyone if you don't help yourself."

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we choose to exist in this pressure cooker of a belief system that tells us we are only as valuable as our actions? I would be crushed if one of my children thought that his worth was contingent upon some measure of performance. That's wrong. My children are worthy of love, affection, and acceptance simply because they exist. They are valuable because they are here, because their souls occupy space in this world. Regardless of their successes or failures, regardless of their accomplishments or disappointments, they are inherently important.

So too am I. So too are WE. If you need to pass on an opportunity to serve because you are simply spent, do it. If you need to decline an invitation to help out a friend because you're feeling very anxious and need some time to decompress, do it. If you need to leave those dishes in the sink because you're hurting, do it. There will be another opportunity to serve. There will be another chance to help out a friend. The dishes will be in the sink tomorrow. What may not be there in the future is the ability to care for yourself, to preserve your well-being.

Today I choose to release the shame of not being "enough" in the world's eyes. I choose to believe that I am enough simply because I AM. I hope you'll do the same.