"I'll Never Tell"

It's difficult for me to watch the news. Too often I'll see things that touch a nerve. Bring up my stuff. I don't like it. Recently the coverage of Bill Cosby (the man I once, as a small child, viewed as the very pinnacle of fatherly love) has rattled me. I can't substantiate the accusations made against him. There have been no convictions except in the court of public opinion. I won't speculate on his guilt or innocence, because I have no knowledge of what really happened. I do know what happened to me, though.

I was particularly struck by one commentator who dismissed Cosby's accusers outright because of the length of time they had stayed silent. I stayed silent for years. My first perpetrator threatened to lock me in the attic with the boogeyman if I told anyone what had happened. I was five. To me, being alone in the attic with the boogeyman was plenty reason to keep my mouth shut. I was terrified. Besides, who would believe me?

Later on, the "who would believe you" idea became the threat itself. "People will think you're making it up to get attention." So I stayed quiet.

Even later than that, the threat became more realistic, more insidious. "I'll make you pay." Well, if what I had already survived wasn't payment enough, I didn't want to know what was.

I stayed silent because I was afraid. I stayed silent because I thought no one would believe me. I stayed silent because I didn't want people to ask too many uncomfortable questions. I stayed silent, most of all, because I was ashamed.

I reiterate, I have no desire to pass judgment on a case about which I know no facts. However, I want to scream from the rafters that many, many survivors of sexual violence never tell of their experiences, certainly not at first. That doesn't mean the assaults never happened. It means that it takes time, sometimes decades, to muster the courage and self-love to speak out. There's nothing easy about saying, "I was raped." There's nothing simple about declaring, "I was molested." Those are some of the most difficult statements any person can ever make. So before we condemn the alleged victims, we must remember that it's a tremendous feat to come forward against your perpetrator.

I've never publicly named my perpetrators. I don't know that I ever will, even after all these years. I don't know that I can. I do know, however, that I will stand by any person (man, woman or child) strong enough to get up and say, "I was hurt, and that's not okay." Because it's not okay.