You Can't Have It Both Ways.

I've been told numerous times since my eating disorder was formally diagnosed eleven years ago, "You can't be sick and happy at the same time." I argue that sentiment to this day, but if I'm honest, I accept that it's true. No one with an addictive behavior - eating disorder, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex, whatever - can really call themselves "happy." Numb? Disconnected? Aloof? Yes, absolutely. And those feelings are certainly an improvement over the hurt that underlies the behaviors. But happy? No, definitely not.

Last night in group therapy, we had a lecture on Pia Mellody's Developmental Model. It's basically a tree, with the leaves being addictive behaviors, the trunk being codependency, and the roots being trauma. In order to stop the addictive behaviors, we were told, we have to resolve the trauma. Kill the roots and the tree will die. Makes sense. Just a few breaths later, though, things started getting complicated. "You simply cannot do the trauma work while you're engaging in your behaviors," the therapist told us. "The behaviors keep you disconnected from your emotions, which makes healing the trauma impossible."

Okay, so let me see if I understand this. You can't overcome the addiction without healing the trauma, but you can't attempt to heal the trauma if you're using your addiction. Hm. Am I the only one noticing the problem here? Am I the only one really, really frustrated? It's like an unsolvable math equation, where no matter how many ways you rearrange the numbers, it just never adds up.

Maybe my frustration is a result of the sheer duration and entrenchment of my illness and the magnitude of trauma I haven't yet begun to untangle. Maybe I'm just tired of fighting what sometimes seems an unwinnable war. I am discouraged. I am confused. I am desperate. And yes, I am sick and unhappy. I WANT to be well. I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to be at peace. I wish the path was clearer. I wish I could figure out that damn equation. I never was good at math.