Life threw me a curveball, and I reacted the best way I knew how: I quit eating. It's a lot nicer to be hungry than in pain. I played it cool at first... explaining away my behavior, minimizing my weight loss, insisting everything was fine. Everything was not fine.
Finally, last Friday, the bottom dropped out. I was called into a meeting with my entire treatment team (roughly fifteen people), my therapist at the helm. I was told that my weight is now below what it was during my initial inpatient admission back in March. I was told that I am considered "cognitively compromised." I was told, quite simply, that I'm in trouble. They gave me a week to figure out how to get myself back in-patient.
So I'm going back. It's only for two weeks; I already laid the entire foundation for my recovery the last time I was there. Rather, these two weeks will be very targeted. I will no longer be able to distract myself with hunger. I will eat, and I will feel. Both in large quantities, I'm sure. I will cry. I will face the things I have been suppressing. I will gain weight. (That last one is a real fucking sticking point for me, by the way.)
I'll be back just in time for New Year's, which is apropos. New beginnings and all that. I am hopeful. I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity to get back on track. And I am so, so thankful that there are so many people - my treatment team, yes, but also family and friends - who believe in me and my ability to get well.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Eating disorders are horrible, and I regret the day I ever started down this path.
I have the faith that you Can & Will kick ED to the pits of hell so he can burn forever. I'm praying for you also. I know you are more than capable of recovering from ed. You just need to know that there are a BUNCH of people who have the faith in you and BELIEVE in YOU that you will crush ED and no longer allow him to take over every part of your life. I hope that one day You'll be able to do one thing I never ever thought I'd be able to do. What is that you ask? I'm now able to get on a scale and see the weight and now that I'm getting healthier. I no longer allow ED to control what or how I respond to the number that is shown. Remember that it's sometimes two steps forward and one step back. But it's at least advancing forward however slowly it may be. II completely understand what you're going through minus the spouse & kids part. I went IP, PHP, IOP, PHP, IOP. So I understand the upset of going back to a higher level of care. But when I did I actually put more effort into my time I was given.
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