Two weeks pass in the blink of an eye when you're in treatment. I checked in on December 18th, checked out on December 31st, and worked my ass off in between.
Truth be told, the first week and a half were pretty stagnant. I followed my restoration meal plan (translation: weight-gain meal plan), yes, but did very little emotional work. I blamed that fact on the staff, because there were many vacations and sick days taken and clinical treatment was pretty inconsistent. The truth is, though, I didn't want to do the work. I used the situation as an excuse. "I don't feel safe or supported enough to talk about what I need to," I cried. Bullshit. "I don't want to do it," would have been more accurate. Then this past Tuesday, a therapist I worked with during my last stay returned from her vacation, and my pity party was over. "You're being deceitful," she said. I balked. "You're pointing the finger at everyone and everything but yourself," she said, "because you're scared. You have two choices: run back to your eating disorder and play the victim, or do the work and get your life back." Whoa.
So I started talking. And I started crying. And I kept on eating. Those last four days were excruciating, but I learned something very important: it is the things I refuse to name and talk about that pose the greatest threat to me. Nothing will ever be fixed by pretending it doesn't exist. To quote a fun little treatment-ism, "Feelings won't kill you, but ignoring them will."
In all honesty, two weeks was not a sufficient amount of time to bounce back from this relapse. I still have a deep, passionate hatred of my body. It remains number one on my hit list. But I got started, I am following my restoration meal plan (even though it's huge and difficult to sustain on my own), and I am committed to doing what I need to do. I can say that I truly used the opportunity I was given, and I will continue to do so. This isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's worth it.
I am very proud of you and know that you will win this fight!
ReplyDeleteoh cassie! (((hugs))) i don't know how i ever missed your blog all this time... and with it, all of your struggles, triumphs, and the many ups-and-downs in between. all i can say is, i am so unbelievably proud of you for looking your fear/hate/lies/(fill in the blank) dead on --- even if it took that one certain person to call you on it --- and making the decision to do the hard part, the emotional work.
ReplyDeleteyou are beautiful, inside and out; whatever lies in your past, good/bad/otherwise, are the incredibly vital pieces that built you. even the ones that are so deeply buried and hidden have their purpose and have made their mark (of course), and every step you take brings you closer to understanding and moving beyond the ache of now.
my heart hurts for you, and those you love, realizing how much strength you must have all had to put out... but it also warms knowing (like Sarah said) that you are winning this fight, with each handful of dirt that you dig away from your hole...
much love...