The Selfishness Conundrum

There's a rather vicious dichotomy to eating disorders. They are at once both a hatred of self, and a complete obsession with self. Where the narcissist obsesses about her own value, prestige, and vanity, the eating disordered person obsesses about her own inadequacy, failure, and imperfection. As different as their perceptions of themselves may be, both people are completely preoccupied with themselves.

I have a very hard time with this notion. I have always been motivated to help others; to reach out, volunteer, donate to causes I support, be active in service. Self-centered people irritate me to no end. I think to myself, "Does this person not realize how many billions of people there are in this world who need help, love, outreach? Maybe if she was a little less focused on herself, she could actually do some good for humanity." I find it exceptionally difficult to count my self-deprecation as its own form of self-centeredness. It is, though. As much time as the narcissist spends puffing herself up, I spend beating myself down. Neither of us are able to contribute much to the universe at large.

It's a tricky balance, though. To consider my anorexic/bulimic behaviors as self-obsessed is to feed into the notion that I am "bad." "Good people" don't spend so much time thinking about themselves. Since I'm already "bad," I may as well go on punishing myself. Nasty cycle, isn't it?

I have found that the most constructive solution to this problem is to simply spend as much time in service to others as possible. If I surround myself with positive people and fill my schedule with worthwhile activities, I squeeze out any time or energy for self-destruction. In addition, there's such a beautiful gratification that comes with reaching out to another person. Knowing that you've done good can be more powerful - and more healing - than years of therapy and dozens of medications. And when you see that you CAN do good, it makes you want to do MORE good. It's wonderful self-perpetuation.

Don't fret about who you are or who you're not. Go and do good. It will come back to you in spades.

The Why

I have been thinking about starting a blog for years. Since the term "blog" still conjured up images of something nasty on the bottom of your shoe. Despite the desire, I have held back. My recovery, now six years on, didn't feel real enough yet. I didn't feel "well enough" to espouse my wisdom and clarity. Therein lied the problem.

I am not wise. I possess very little clarity. While I am much more "well" than I have been in a decade, I am still not cured. You see, there's something no one tells you when you're just starting out on the path to an eating disorder. It is this: you can never go back, not all the way. You will never be the same. As "recovered" as you may get, you will still remember. It's impossible to forget.

It is with this insight that I finally decided to start the blog. I cannot pass on any valuable pieces of advice or offer any inspired guidance. What I can do is relate. I know how hard it is to get better. I know how badly you want to go back sometimes. I know how distressing it is to remember vacations in terms of what you ate and where you threw up. I've been there. I made it out. I went from being absolutely convinced of my own demise to being absolutely awestruck by my future. I believe in change. I have been given a second chance.

Take my hand and climb with me, one step at a time, out of the rabbit hole.