God's Presence

My spiritual journey has taken place side-by-side with my disease. I have had periods of feeling utterly abandoned by God, and times of feeling overwhelmingly blessed and forgiven. Even now, when my faith is more established than it has ever been, I still falter sometimes. Below are two poems, one of which highlights my frustration and disconnection, and the other my reprieve.

SILENCE

Hey you. I'm talking to you.
Seven billion people and you're supposed
to listen to me?
They told me to pray.
Said you died for my sins.
Really? Seems a little drastic.
Where have you been, anyway?
I could have used your help a couple of times.
I turned the other cheek like you said.
It just got me slapped twice.
I tried to believe in you, you know.
Didn't really work out for me.
"Who's your daddy?" he said. And I
thought of you.
Then the knife broke the skin.
Mustard seeds and loaves and fishes and
prodigal sons never meant much to me.
What I remember is "Who's your daddy?"
and how you weren't there.

MY PROOF

In the stillness
I feel Your grace.
When I chase after it,
when I yearn for it,
my hands are empty.
But when all is quiet,
when I am broken and
have given up,
Your finger is upon me.
It is in those moments
of heartache and contrition
that I am redeemed.
Your mercy, like rain,
has washed me clean.