Whack-A-Mole

Anyone who has been in treatment for any kind of addictive or compulsive behavior will be familiar with the concept of "whack-a-mole." Once one set of behaviors is under control, another set tries to pop up somewhere to compensate for the stress and emotion released by the treatment process. A recovering alcoholic turns to pills. A recovering drug addict turns to sex. A recovering anorexic/bulimic turns to self-harm. It's known as "addiction switching," and not only is it very common, it's also very dangerous.

I was admitted to treatment with a primary diagnosis of bulimia and secondary diagnoses of anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. That was quite enough, I thought. But part of my treatment included mandatory daily Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I resisted the notion at first. I'm not an alcoholic, why should I have to spend an hour a day with those people? God knows I have enough problems of my own. But a funny thing happened when my ED behaviors got squashed down. I started getting really thirsty. Getting buzzed starting sounding real good. Just a couple of drinks, just to take the edge off, no big deal. Oh. Now I see why I have to go to AA.

As an outpatient, I've been working very hard to maintain my meal plan and avoid alcohol. I have had a few drinks, but I have held myself accountable to my treatment team and gotten back "on the wagon." As I wade deeper into my therapeutic work, though, that old foe Self-Harm has popped his ugly head out of his hiding place.

I have only mentioned my self-injury history in passing on this blog. It's been the elephant in the room of my life for some time; many of my scars are visible, but people seem too uncomfortable, too embarrassed, or too shy to ask about them. I have at least been able to say with certainty, "That stage of my life is over." Maybe not.

Many of my self-destructive behaviors are used for different purposes. Restricting is used to control the chaos in my life. Binging, purging, and exercising are used as a method of stress relief. Alcohol is used to numb out. Self-harm, for me, was always a response to intense anger towards myself. It is an act of rage, of violence. Getting into my trauma history has brought that old self-anger right to the surface. Those old urges are back, and as strong as ever.

And so I play Whack-A-Mole, along with all the other addicts out there. At least I know that there's a small army on my side this time: therapist, dietitian, recovery peers, meetings, friends, family. If I hand everyone a club, maybe I can win this game once and for all.