After years of procrastination, fear of failure, and general too-sick-to-do-anything-useful-ness, I have finally jumped headlong into the job hunt. I was so excited about it at first. I'm finally going to make something of myself! Prove I'm worth something! Show everyone what I can do! Not too pathological, eh? Anyway, I spent hours scouring the job openings in my field of healthcare, comparing pay differentials and weighing the costs and benefits of various positions. I discovered that psychiatric clinical support positions were not only plentiful, but more financially rewarding than some of the other options. So I began applying. I shared my enthusiasm with Larry, who didn't seem as jubilant as I was. He suggested I run the idea of working in a psych facility past my therapist. I rolled my eyes, but made the call to appease him.
Well, wouldn't you know it, my dear therapist seems to think it's a terrible idea. She explained that seeing the patients, hearing their stories, would bring up my own issues. She said that when she worked in similar settings, she found it traumatic even without having a "trauma history." She said that the typical recommendation is for clients to avoid working in the mental health field for at least two years after recovery from their trauma - and as she not-so-delicately pointed out, I'm not even IN recovery from my trauma yet.
So I got mad. Furious. Incensed, even. I started pinging back and forth between playing the victim ("I never asked for any of that stuff to happen, it's just not fair that I'm still having to pay for it") and blatantly perpetrating myself ("You stupid, cowardly baby, grow a pair and move on for God's sake. You're a waste of space.") I'm trying to hang out in the middle... accept that, while this isn't the ideal situation and I don't have to like it, it is what it is and I have to change tactics.
It's difficult, though. I am incredibly tired of avoiding my problems by hurting myself, and equally as tired of "taking care of myself" to the point of never taking any risks. I JUST WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE.
Ever feel that way?
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