It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

"Why did this happen to me?" "Why does it hurt so bad?" "How will I ever get through this?" "Will I ever get a break?" Sometimes in life, the blows just keep coming. One suckerpunch right after another, with no time to catch your breath. It's easy, in those times of chaos, to become bogged down in despair, desperation, and hopelessness. I know. I've been there.

A wise person once told me (translation: my therapist told me last week) that wisdom is not gained from the good times. Wisdom is gained from going through hell and coming out on the other side. So what do you do when you're IN hell, and the other side seems so far away? Do you curl up in a ball and try to wait it out? Do you revert to those behaviors that have been there for you in the past - starving, purging, cutting, drinking, using? Do you just throw up your hands, say "fuck it," and give up?

All of those options are there, will always be there. But choosing one of those paths prohibits growth and impedes the development of wisdom. Having gone through the things that I have, lived the life that I've lived, I simply HAVE to believe that there's some greater purpose in my suffering. None of it is in vain, if we make the choice to use our pain to propel ourselves forward. And it IS a choice. I could have thrown in the towel long ago (in fact, ten years ago I tried to do just that, and it was only by some cosmic miracle that I came out of it okay). I have a suitcase full of reasons why it's all just Too Much. But I also have desire. Passion. Motivation. Dreams. So I've chosen to fight this never ending war. I've chosen to suit up and show up, day after day, despite the fact that there's no uphill battle quite like Life. I've chosen to use my experiences - the good, the bad, and the ugly - to grow as a person, and maybe, hopefully, to help someone else get through similar trials.

Yes, in the middle of the darkness it's awfully tough to believe it will ever be light again. It is my sincere hope that you will choose, as I have, to carry the faith that it really is darkest before the dawn. Daybreak will come, my friends. It always has, and it always will.