The time has come to tell the truth, to expose the demons of my youth

I am about to embark on the most difficult leg of my recovery journey yet. EMDR therapy. For those of you unfamiliar with the process, let me give you a layman's overview: EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a form of therapy designed for use in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (though now it's use is extending to include many other purposes.) The main gist is that, while intently focusing on details of a trauma, your brain is bilaterally stimulated - with lights, tones, hand taps, or other stimuli. When the trauma initially happened, the brain was not able to store the memories in a functional way. (Understandable, since it was kind of busy helping you stay alive.) As a result of improperly-stored memories, PTSD symptoms like nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and hypervigilance occur. The bilateral stimulation used in EMDR is thought to bring those traumatic memories to the forefront of the brain, then store them appropriately, thereby eliminating or greatly reducing the distressing symptoms.

There's your psychology lesson for the day; now I'll get back to how this is affecting my life right now. For seven months (or, since I first began seeing my therapist and she suggested it) I have been absolutely terrified of doing EMDR. I don't think it's possible to overstate my reluctance. The element that is so frightening to me is that I will literally have to bring the most horrific details of my trauma front and center in my mind. Let me put this in perspective for you: I have spent nearly 14 years starving, binging, purging, and cutting in an effort to AVOID those memories. Now I'm being asked to sit down and have tea with them. It's turning my world upside down.

I haven't spoken much about my PTSD diagnosis on this blog. I'm comfortable discussing my eating disorder, I'm becoming less inhibited about my self-injury. But the trauma? The very root of everything else? That's a lot harder for me to face. Especially in a public forum. I'll do the best I can.

I have a pretty extensive sexual abuse history, beginning with molestation at age 5 and culminating with a violent rape at 13. I kept my mouth shut for a long time, only admitting what little I have when a well-meaning counselor pushed me (too hard) to do so when I was 14. By then I was already entrenched in my behaviors and there was no going back.

I will be 27 years old next week. There is a lot of distance, time-wise, between the traumas and me. My brain doesn't know that, though. And with the cessation of my E.D. and self-harm, I no longer have any defenses against the onslaught of vivid, awful memories. I don't sleep much, because exhaustion is preferable to the nightmares. I have a ridiculously exaggerated startle reflex (something that "friends" used to rib me about in high school). The littlest things in my surroundings trigger intrusive memories that are all but impossible to get out of my head. I won't even start on the impact this has had on my marriage.

I'm scared. Like, really, really scared. I already have one foot out the door and on the way back to Madness because, while it's deadly, it's a hell of a lot less frightening. But seven months ago I made a commitment to myself, my husband, my children, and God that I would do whatever it took to free myself from my disease. I think I finally - FINALLY - understand that there will be no freedom without a long, hard look at the past. If you have ever found yourself at a point like this, please share your experience with me. If you suspect that you may find yourself at this point some time in the future, please reach out for support. We don't have to go this alone. We've already spent enough time in isolation, alienating ourselves from the world. It's time to grab hands and walk this road together.