That's A Good Question

Last week I gave six speeches about my life to sophomores at a nearby high school. The process had begun about six months earlier, when a dear old friend (who knew me at my worst) connected me with a wonderful gal interested in sharing my story. She worked with me to develop my life into a narrative form, then whittle it into something striking, attention-grabbing, reality-checking. The process was long and at times difficult. When you've come as far as I have, it can be difficult to wade through the pain of the past. However, by the time I was ready to speak, I had owned my story. I was proud of my progress and so humbled to be able to share my journey with others.

The experience of speaking was a unique one for me. I have no formal education in public speaking, nor any familiarity whatsoever. I am actually quite shy, although I deal with my shyness by projecting myself out on the world. A very useful skill, I must say. There was something absolutely transforming about standing before a room of 90 16-year olds and commanding their full attention. I had only to speak for a moment before I captured their interest, and I held it for the duration. These kids wanted to hear my story. They became invested in it. They saw themselves in it. Sexual abuse, family drama, eating disorders, insecurity, fear... there was something in my life to which every single kid could relate. I saw that on their faces. It was such a gift to me.

Following my story was a Q&A. These kids didn't hold back! They asked me loads of questions, many I answered and some (what was your lowest weight? how did you try to kill yourself?) I did not. But the question that came up most often, and was most impressive and thought-provoking to me, was this: "Why an eating disorder? Why not drugs or alcohol?" (And, as one young lad phrased it, "Why didn't you just smoke weed?")

What an excellent question. Why anorexia and bulimia, and not some other tool of self-medication and self-destruction? I could have abused any drug I chose - I surely had access. Alcohol was commonplace and there for the taking. So why not? My go-to answer has always been that I sought to control my life, and drugs and alcohol gave me a distinct feeling of being out of control. I wanted total power over my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and substances would have prevented me from that. The more I thought about it, though, the deeper I realized it went.

Drugs and alcohol. For as far back as I can remember, I saw them as bad, bad things. Maybe all of those "Just Say No" ads really did work. Or maybe I recognized, even at a young age, that I was unwilling to relinquish myself to anything. Control over my life had been taken from me on numerous occasions, and I absolutely would NOT give it up willingly. Why do people turn to drugs and alcohol? To escape. To get away from their problems. Why did I turn to anorexia and bulimia? To escape. To get away from my problems. So yes, it's a good question.

I have long pointed out the similarities between eating disorders and addiction. Not only the high rate of relapse, the lack of positive coping skills, and the tendency for co-dependency in the family, but also for the root causes: abuse, mental illness in the family, lack of stability. At the end of the day, I starved myself for the same reasons a heroin addict shoots up; I binged and purged for the same reasons an alcoholic goes on a bender. I wanted to make the bad stuff go away.

We all go through things we shouldn't, have to deal with things with which we aren't equipped to deal. We all try to make the bad stuff go away. But instead of food, or the lack of food, or drugs, or alcohol, maybe we should seek out each other. Maybe we should lean on each other, talk to each other, listen to each other. As different as we may be, chances are good we're also very much the same.